Tag Archives: fear

Z is for Zeal

zeal

ziːl/
noun
  1. great energy or enthusiasm in pursuit of a cause or an objective.
             “his zeal for privatization”

Zeal is something I experienced when I first started this challenge, paired with both nervousness, panic, anxiety but all around excitement. I guess you could say that my journey with this challenge was a bit of a zigzag. It was like watching the stock market chart go up, go really up, then down, down some more, through the roof, crashing down and so on. It started with sheer excitement, looking forward to each post because inspiration was there and stories were a plenty and all was good. I felt I was writing from the heart and I was happy to share my experiences and wait for comments and likes. Then the days rolled by and the letters were getting hard to be creative with and some days I’m late. Most days I say up late to write a post and there was this one time where I had to make a post from my phone because I felt so committed.

Mid challenge and a little towards the end, I was starting to feel a little burnt out. I was questioning the sincerity and genuineness of my posts. The confidence that I had started with had crumbled away into dust, turning into self-consciousness and fear and I was very ready to quit. Luckily, I had friends that kicked my  butt into gear and I pushed through with my zeal returning to me once more and I must say I’m quite proud of myself. It’s definitely a bittersweet end. I’ve come across a few people due to this challenge and hopefully long term friendships will be made.

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V is for Vivid

[Another late one due to another busy Friday]

When I think of the word vivid, I think of how often I use that word to describe my nightmares. I’m often plagued with them for days at a time and sometimes they leave me too frightened to go back to sleep and too thankful that it was only a dream. I usually have three of the same nightmares that often repeat themselves. I either dream about Judgement Day, Demonic Possession or something evil in my home or room and finally being chased by some strange creature or the other that I only really manage to escape within inches of my life.

Most of the time, when I have these nightmares, I don’t even realize I slipped into a dream. It’s a smooth, frightening transition from reality into the dream world. It’s like dozing off for a few seconds and then waking up but what you don’t realize is that you woke up in a dream.  It’s usually dark all around me, and empty as if everyone had woken  up and left to go somewhere or gathered out and away in a corner of the house. This is how the nightmare of a possession or evil entity usually starts.

There are signs and hints my brain gives me to let me know I’m not awake and this isn’t real. Sometimes I try to say a prayer in my dreams to keep the demons away but something always goes wrong. I either forget what I’m trying to recite or my mouth gets filled with something that I can only describe as mushy, slimy oatmeal type of material. Another hint or sign is my lack of ability to cry out and call for help. In my nightmares, my voice is always hoarse and I’m almost always mute when it comes to crying out or screaming.

I’ve never woken up in tears or woken up screaming and I always thought that my inability to cry out in a dream is just my body’s way of keeping me from doing it outside of the dream. I wake up afraid, my heart racing and close to tears and rather shocked that I was dreaming and most of the time thankful that it was just that, a dream. it usually takes me a few hours to allow myself to go back to sleep fearing that the nightmare might continue but most of the time it never does. I don’t know where they come from or why, here in my culture there are different interpretations but I never bother to actually find out what they meant.

Maybe you could help me find out?

Most Panic Inducing Experience of My Life [Weekly post]

It’s one of those things that you wish you could forget because recalling it just produces that strange, sickly feeling at the pit of your stomach.

It was during my third year of college, towards the end of the semester when final projects were due. The course in question was Corporate Identity and we had to create a portfolio website and merchandise and all that. I was getting ready to start working, thinking that the turn in date was the same that was on the college website. Instead I received a call from a classmate asking where I was and that today was the turn in date.

I can’t even begin to explain the feelings that came to me at that moment. There was panic, fear, nausea and maybe a bit of irritation at both myself and the teacher for allowing this to happen. How could I have not known? How could someone forget the date of a final exam? Regardless, I called the teacher and tried to appeal to her, showing her how sorry I was and pleaded for her to give me a final chance to turn in my project and no one would have to know but alas, she did not respond.

There were many trips and visits to the college, many calls were made and I had to sit many times with the head of student affairs. The ordeal lasted for days and I started to doubt myself. I started to wonder if perhaps maybe I was in the wrong. I probably was for not double checking the dates but I’ve always had problems with this teachers since the beginning of the semester. Regardless, the whole debacle was making me sick and nervous so I started to pray, asking god for forgiveness if I had been unjust and wrong.

In the end, I went to the head of Student Affairs and cried, telling her that I was sorry and I don’t want anymore trouble. I told her I was sorry for causing such a mess and I had taken responsibility of my actions. I wasn’t sure why I was so scared of failing the course that I had to go through all this trouble just to turn in my work. I learned then that failure is not something to be feared but something we could learn from and since then I began to learn and study my failures to gain a new perspective each time.


Discussion:

1] If you were me what would you have done?

2] Have you ever had a fear of failure? How did you work around that fear?


 

Quote of the day:

Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement                                                                                  C. S. Lewis


 

A to Z Challenge Update!

Week two has passed and I can’t believe I made it this far! I have to say it was a bit difficult to come up with words for certain letters and I recently discovered that K is not a letter a like. I’ve even considered stopping and quitting while I was ahead but luckily, I had friends who beat such a thought out of me with sticks of ‘Don’t you are!” and “You can do it!”.

And here we are today! Starting another week of the A to Z Challenge. It is definitely teaching me a lot of about being creative on the spot!

Happy A to Z, everyone. Good luck.