There’s nothing worse than overestimating your value to someone and fooling yourself into thinking you’re special. We argued again about the same things we always argue about. I accuse him of not teaching me better and he accuses me of not taking advantage of given opportunities but never once does he ask how or why or what. He never asks why I feel the way I do or if there is a better way he could help me understand. It is always about him being right and me being wrong. It’s been a few days now and we’re still ignoring each other; at least I’d like to think that he cares enough about me to ignore me. I know I’m ignoring him completely.. er.. somewhat. Maybe he doesn’t care at all and I’m just lying to myself.
Does he think about me; about how we’re not speaking? I know I do..
He always tells me how I’m his queen and how talented I am and how much I have potential but when push comes to shove he just wants me to be like him, exactly like him. Often times it feels like I’m trying to fit myself in a skin suit that doesn’t belong to me. If I’m being honest with myself, I’d say I hate that he’s ignoring me and I him. I hate that messaging him would mean that I’ve lost some sort of unspoken battle between us and messaging him first would mean that I am weak and lack dignity or self-esteem. I hate that he’s involved with everyone else but me.
I wish I could make him understand how he makes me feel. How his methods sometimes make me feel stupid and incapable. I wish he’d stop trying to change me into something that I’m not and just accept me for who I am. I am emotional and sometimes irrational. I speak with my heart instead of my head and only later do I realize that I’ve made mistakes in my choice of words. I don’t strive to be his equal but I don’t want to be treated as someone who’s less. I can admit to my faults when confronted with them properly instead of having my head bashed in with how bad I am at something and how I lack the skills to do something. I hate that he’s so arrogant that he can’t see the mistakes he’s making. In trying to better me in ways that I don’t understand, he’s at the risk of losing me and my interest but how arrogant I must be to even think that he cares about losing me. Does he care or am I just another pawn to be cast aside in his game of Kings and Queens?
All I know is that I am foolish.
At least that is how I feel but would he chase me after an argument like he would anyone else? I feel expendable and if I were to walk away would he lift a finger to stop me? Why do I care if he did or didn’t? Maybe because I fooled myself into thinking I was special and started to believe all the things he’s been feeding me.
I am foolish indeed.